moonfrye

One day last week, in a frenzy of pre-vacation packing and a rare fit of organizing, I found the first tooth my 8 year old lost. It was in a small box tucked away in a drawer in my bedroom, next to scarves and headbands and necklaces I never wear but can't bear to part with.

It was a tiny little tooth, pebble-sized. I wasn't even sure what it was at first- I think I'd intended, when he lost it, to put it in some special place, with a picture of the sweet boy and the new gap in his mouth. But the truth is, when he lost that tooth it wasn't a happy day.

The tooth had been loosening up for days and we knew it would be the first to go. At a dentist appointment just weeks before, our dentist had a talk with him about what to expect. She explained that the baby teeth come out in order to make room for our adult teeth.

What she hadn't mentioned was that there would be blood. Lots. And that the blood would run down his face and onto his shirt collar. That he would throw that just-lost tooth on the ground and run upstairs, crying. A door would slam behind him. There would be tears and hiding in a closet. No amount of motherly pleading and reassurance would lure him out.

Was he scared? Embarrassed? I wasn't sure. Why wasn't this in any of the parenting books?

And after a while, the boy with the new gap in his mouth would reappear, curios about that tooth.

Can I see it Mom? he'd say.

From my bedroom last week, I called to him. Two years later.

Look…

I feel like a juggler in a cheap circus. I've always been someone who is on top of things; has everything under control.

Control freak, some may say.

Most of the time I am even one step ahead of where I need to be. Just barely ahead, but enough to ensure that the illusion of being in control remains intact. It's a complicated house of cards that probably teeters on the brink of collapsing more often than I care to admit.

Shampoo bottle empty? There's a new one already in the cabinet. Last roll of toilet paper? No, I already stocked up. Permission slip? Turned in early. Bought it/mailed it/paid it/vaccinated it/had it removed.

Done. Because that's how I roll.

Not last week.

I'm not even sure I can pinpoint the exact day and time that things began to unravel, but by Friday night I was ready for a do-over. Start back on Monday, try it all again.

Each thing by itself was small, relatively insignificant. But because of my control-freak-ish-ness, the sum of all these things made me feel like Dorothy when her house was spinning in that twister. Yet on the outside, I'm sure nobody could even tell that things were unraveling.

What's up with that? Why is it so important to me that I appear to be in control, even when my head is spinning around, bills are accidentally overlooked, and the hampers are overflowing?

I think it's my seventeen years of training as a mom.

See, when you're the mom you just can't let those little people think you aren't in control. The minute they sense panic or fear, they start blowing on your house of cards, slowly taking it down. And nothing good can come from that.

So when I forgot to attend the important meeting at school, didn't mail the…

I never planned to become a first time mom at 40. It’s just how things worked out. If I’d had my way, I would have become a mom much sooner. But we don’t always have control over such matters.

Actually, we never do. And I think being an older mom does have some advantages. (There are disadvantages, too, but let’s focus on the positive!)

I find I am quite relaxed and laid back about a lot of aspects of motherhood. Having lived a fair amount of life, I have faced adversity, overcome obstacles and mastered many challenges.

These experiences have equipped me with coping skills and a certain degree of self-confidence. On the whole, since my daughter was born I have felt an overwhelming sense of serenity as a mom.

I don’t think you can ever be fully prepared for motherhood, however. And I do not mean to imply I am always calm, cool and collected. Oh, no. There are many times I have felt completely and utterly clueless.

It can be very helpful to connect with other moms who have dealt with the same issue you are struggling with and survived. And to have some “tried and true” techniques or methods at your disposal you can try.

But motherhood is something you simply have to feel your way through. In order to do that, you have to put aside your doubts and face your fears. You need to roll up your sleeves and just live it.

There isn’t a single "right" way to be a good mom. What works for one woman and one child in one…